To write or not to write? That is the question. I started this blog, in part, after receiving encouragement from several friends and family, because of my passion for writing and my love of photography. I also knew I needed to dedicate more time to doing something just for me. I find myself, however, wondering if it really matters. Yes, I need to follow my heart. Yes, I know I need to pursue things just for me, but deep down, at times, I feel so lost and unsure. I find myself thinking that it will never become anything other than a silly little blog, perhaps only meaningful to a handful of others, and then I realize how terrible that sounds and I am deeply ashamed.
Humor is my anchor. I love to laugh. I love that feeling in my stomach when I laugh too hard, and the way it makes stress seem to just melt away. I love that often times it can turn your day from bad to good, and the way it can make your eyes twinkle. I use humor to empower my battle with anxiety, and to simply make life just a little bit easier. I thought if I could share that with others, help someone and myself at the same time, what a wonderful thing. Why, then, am I filled with such uncertainty? Why so much self doubt? I am a strong person. I’ve had to be for most of my life, even as a child. So where is this insecurity coming from? Perhaps from living in the shadows of two extremely successful siblings. Who knew their career paths almost immediately upon arriving to college. I never had that going for me. I had no idea what I wanted to do. There was no job screaming at me, “this is your calling”. Perhaps it comes from choosing to be a stay at home mom. A decision, by the way, I do not regret, not even for a second. But could be why I am feeling this lack of identity, of purpose, now that my children are young adults. Perhaps it comes from being married to a successful industrial engineer, who gets raises and promotions and recognition for jobs well done. I don’t know. I simply don’t know. I do know, however, that I can’t go on this way for much longer. I want to live. I want to breathe. I want to help others laugh, and hold their hand when they can’t. I want to travel and explore and eat cupcakes and French fries ’til I pop. I don’t want to “not be”. I want to be.
One thing I am certain of. I will keep fighting. And I will keep laughing…many days at myself. And that’s just fine. So if you stick around, here with my blog, maybe just maybe we can do some “fighting” together. I hope we get that chance. Life is indeed worth fighting for.
Until next time.